|This is my office-guest-craft-stash it room. This is normal. This also is an accurate picture of my brain at times like these.|
I am having an internal rant day. Maybe by the end of this post I'll get over it; I don't always know where these posts will take me.
I went to bed--as in, I was asleep by--8:30 last night. Eight-plus hours of sleep. Still woke up grumpy.
I can't even write out all the stuff that just gets under my skin, especially early in the mornings. It's a cumulation of little, insignificant things that don't matter much, but they add up and on top of the big things I'm carrying around in my brain and equal just too much.
little big just
stupid + complicated = too
insignificant important much
It occurred to me in the midst of my grumpiness that a lot of my frustration stems from
- trying to be a working mother
- without childcare
- and without pay
I want time and resources to be increased so I can do things like
enjoy my toddler while he's here with me * invest and engage more in the lives of my children: spiritually, educationally, in their fun quotient, family traditions, quality time... * homeschool them in the Scandinavian outdoor-exploration-problem-solving fashion * have time to make Christmas gifts for the people I care about * family Secret Santa projects, going out of our ways to bless other people in this season * go outside more * invest in spiritual retreat and formation time * build relationships * be a present, intentional neighbor * do my long list of house projects * etc etc etc
I have, like, the twisted-stomach-knotted-pit feeling of stress and frustration just writing these things. It's not even all the things. It's NONE of the "working mom" things that are taking up almost all of my brain space.
I don't want it this way.
This is a normal struggle for lots and lots of women. It increased with the advent of feminism, when it began to be culturally encouraged that women get out there and "have it all." And you know what? My dreams are big enough to want it all.
But not this way. This way does not increase love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, or self-control.
And yet, there isn't a good way to balance these things out. There is just too much stuff, and it is also stuff (responsibilities) that I can't just "get rid of."
I hardly have time to talk with my husband, and when we do talk we are still talking about management things. Not even enough time, though, to properly manage.
Ridiculous. It's the surviving-but-not thriving thing I'm doing. That so many of us are doing. It's bad. There's not a good solution.
And I'm going to leave it at that for now. I am generally good at highlighting the good things going on, the many, many graces and mercies God is pouring out all the time. Sometimes I just need to rant, because keeping the ranting inside my head, like I usually do, gets exhausting. I guess it's still exhausting to write it, but it's a "bear one another's burdens" kind of helpful.
Today I don't have the energy or the time to process all the way through this, either. I just need to somehow tackle the responsibilities. So you can deal with my less-than-ideal, full-of-hyphenation, (mostly) stream-of-consciousness writing.