Alanna,
I need to apologize to you for how I have communicated with you and thought toward you over the past few weeks. I have had a hard time looking at things from your perspective, and instead focused on my own frustrations when things don't unfold in the way or as easily as I had planned. And instead of dealing with the roots of my frustration I have allowed my disappointments and bothered-ness to fester until what
I need to take this time (of reflection and actual writing) to realize the problems in my own heart and attitude. I have
I am your friend.
You are my friend.
And we are Sisters.
I have often been puzzled by the term "passive-aggressive," but I'm realizing that in a lot of ways, I myself am passive aggressive. Instead of just expressing my feelings and thoughts directly (and tactfully/graciously), I tend to avoid any apparent conflict and pretend as if nothing is ever much the matter. But it isn't true. Underneath the surface I get downright angry and hurt sometimes, but deal with it in ways that just lead me toward resentment, bitterness, and a wounded spirit that pulls me away from relationship instead of seeking restoration. I think I've had enough conversations with you about my mom for you to see that my relationship with her is sort of the flagship example of this principle at work in my life, though I've actually never realized it before now. My relationship with my mom is something I've struggled with for a long, long time, but I want that sort of damage to not be given the nourishment to grow up into any more of my relationships.
So I want to lay that down for you, and ask for your forgiveness for when I've been cold or stony or sullen toward you, especially about library matters. As you step away from the library to be able to give as much of your energy as possible to Lucy and Alex, I want to turn to a fresh page of grace and friendship with you. I want to do life together with you, friend.
Love in Him, Lydia
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